Saturday, May 5, 2012

Cinco de Mayo

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO EVERYONE! History lesson post!

Did you know that May 5th is not actually Mexican Independence day? That is September 16th. Did you know that the first people to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in America were Mexican miners in California in 1863? They were over-joyed by the anniversary of the Mexican army winning a (A, one) battle (May 5, 1862) against the colonizing French army led by Napoleon the tres in Puebla, Mexico . Those Californian-Mexicans ran around and yelled and sang and shot their guns in the air, much like inner city teenage girls do when their favorite American Idol contestant wins. This victory at Puebla was so huge that people still celebrate it today, obviously, even though within a year the French army struck back at the Mexicans and won control of the entire country...

Since we Americans have to have our hands in every part of history ever, or somehow connect it to our own history, we believe the Mexican victory at Puebla stopped Napoleon III from being able to help/resupply the Southern Confederate army during the American Civil War. What if the French were able to help the Confederates you ask? Good question! The Union would have lost the Civil War. Obviously! And we would all look like this today.

So THAT can be our reason to celebrate Cinco de Mayo as Americans. Without Cinco de Mayo everything would have been different! There would be no income tax! No social security! And the federal government wouldn't have their greasy, no-good hands pouring tax money all over useless things like education, welfare, roads/transportation, and healthcare. Americans never asked for help with all that nonsense anyway. We can do it on our own! While we're at it, the whole world would probably be different because the US would not have existed to step in and show Germany what's up during World War I and II. We would probably all be speaking German right now. And Bush the II would have been King of the Confederacy.

Whew, good thing those Mexicans won that battle at Puebla! And good thing beer companies in the 1980s decided to start marketing Cinco de Mayo as a drinking holiday so they could make millions of dollars. I feel like celebrating the existence of America today. There is no better way than drinking too many beers, followed by getting a margarita bigger than my face, and then capping the night off by taking tequila shots and getting punched in the face instead of using a chaser. Thanks Mexico. I don't know what we would have done without you.

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