Friday, August 26, 2011

Apocalypse Beerz?

Apparently I have one very big fan of my internet ramblings; that fan being MOTHER EARTH. Since I actually created this - not since I first posted – there has been a historic earthquake (5.8) that rocked Virginia (and the rest of the East coast) and an impending historical hurricane (Irene) about to hit the entire east coast and flood the crap out of it. If this isn’t a sign that Mother Earth likes my blog idea then I don’t know what is!

So what does one do when, in one week, the Earth has made it very apparent that you are a tiny insignificant thing that walks, talks, eats, and defecates unappreciatively all over it? Drink a beer? Why not. But what do you do when you only have a certain amount of time before your power inevitably goes out due to a downed tree or power line? Drink all the beer now? No. You should save some for the moment it happens and have a blackout party. Duh.

It’s obvious right now that I need to start drinking my roommates Heineken mini-keg that’s been sitting in the fridge since the 4th of July. I have an internal struggle with this one though cause Heineken is not my favorite, but I would hate to see a large quantity of any beer go to waste. Are these things even worth the price? Should you buy a mini-keg? Ever? Let’s do some math. No seriously, you know you stand in the beer isle at your local grocery store and think about this every time you see a mini keg. (Pause for me to actually get a beer - a requirement for me to do math these days.)

5 liter keg of Heineken = Around $20 (depending where you are)

1 liter = 33.81 fluid ounces

5 liters = 169.05 fluid ounces

1 beer = 12 fluid ounces

169.05 fluid ounces = 14.09 beers (we’ll say 14)

5 liter keg of Heineken = 14 Heinekens

1 Heineken out of the mini keg = Costs $1.43

Seems like a pretty reasonable deal. But it needs to be compared to something else in order for us to make a true assessment of its worth.

1 Case of Bud Light = Around $18 (majorly depending on where you are...oh how I miss college towns!)

1 Case of BL = 24, 12 ounce BL cans

24, 12 ounce BL cans = 288 fluid ounces of BL

1 BL can out of the case = Costs $0.75 (Yay America!!!)

So not only do you pay less for the case of BL, but you get 118.95oz more! 10 extra beers. And now you know…and you can make your own decision at the grocery store. In my opinion, Heineken is not worth the extra money, especially Heineken out of a mini keg because a majority of it comes out as foam and it’s super stupid. And if you want to get one because you think you’ll look cool rolling up with one to some social event…think again, you are a tool. Everyone likes Bud Light, and if you don’t you can deal with it, and if you can’t, drink a Bud Light Lime. Don’t be the one with the Heineken mini keg, everyone will hate you for your unimpressive, foamy beer. And they won’t be able to spell Heineken when they text their friends about how you brought a Heineken mini keg to their party.

But really back to the apocalypse. It’s happening. I have been convinced this week. It’s not every day you have the urge to Spiderman up your bedroom doorframe because you think the floor of your apartment is going to collapse under your feet. And it’s not every day you have to watch your roommate leave to go hurricane shopping and come back with 3 bottles of wine and some beef jerky. Times are changing. We have to prepare. So if we make it through this, I’m going to make sure my best beer option for the next apocalypse is NOT a Heineken mini-keg.

Stay safe, and finish your beer before it gets warm in your fridge that isn’t going to work for the next 5-7 days.


  1. It's going to be difficult for me to become a true fan of this blog if you condone the purchase of light beer. shhhaaaaaame (modern family style).

    but i did chuckle. good work bassly

  2. No I just dislike Heineken and the mini-keg. I could have done the same math problem using Coors heavy, Audrey, I just wanted everyone to understand my math and all us silly American's understand BL. We don't understand heavy beers ;)